Patio Pondering: Bullied by a Handshake

This morning dawned with the promise of another great day here in Northeast Indiana. Indian summer is in full swing, the fall flowers around the patio are bursting with color, and my coffee is hot as the sun begins to warm everything.

Several weeks ago, I had an encounter that stirred old memories I cannot seem to shake.
Have you ever been bullied by a handshake?

I have, most recently at a small public meeting with about ten people in attendance. As I entered to find a seat, a man I knew by reputation extended his hand. His grip locked on like I was a lifeline. When I answered his question about my name with “just a concerned citizen,” the pressure grew tighter, almost punishing. Now, I am a big man, but I was becoming uncomfortable with the strength of that vice-like connection.

After I finally wrenched my hand free, I gave him my name. His response? “That wasn’t so hard, was it.”

I knew his move. I had seen it before. It wasn’t a greeting; it was intimidation, a show of dominance wrapped in the disguise of a Midwestern handshake. And I have been down that road before in the business world.

Early in my career, before a Swine Training Meeting, I was warned about a particular salesman and his infamous handshake. Unfortunately, the warnings did not prepare me for the crafty way he pulled me into his death grip. His grip was worthy of a professional arm wrestler, and he yanked me into his personal space. My heart rate jumped, sweat started to rise, and I felt cornered.

He finally released me after what felt like minutes, though it was only seconds. I tried to focus on my presentation, but the encounter stuck with me—partly because of the pain in my hand, but more because of how inappropriate it was. This handshake went well beyond the “firm and strong” we are taught as kids growing up in the Midwest.

As I reflect on both of these handshakes, it is clear the intent was the same: to intimidate, to show dominance under the cover of a simple greeting. In reality, they did not win respect. They only hardened me against them.

Leadership and professionalism are not just shown in big decisions. They are revealed in small moments too. A handshake can welcome or it can wound. One builds connection. The other erodes it.

How about you—have you ever experienced a handshake, or another small gesture, that was less about connection and more about control?