𝐏𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨 𝐏𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

I’ve wrestled with how to write this for a long time. When I first started Patio Pondering, this topic was on my original list. It’s one of only two that remained in reserve for the right time and the right words. Until now.

After recently reflecting on the dangers of self-editing and the importance of not staying quiet, it feels like time to finally say it.

Many years ago, I worked alongside a manager who had a habit of talking about team members behind their backs. Often, it was framed as a question: “How do you work with so-and-so?” But over time, it became clear these weren’t efforts to build understanding. They were feelers, testing for weaknesses, collecting grievances.

What I thought were constructive conversations were later used as ammunition. Things said in confidence were twisted or repeated out of context.

One moment stands out. I had already begun limiting what I shared, and this manager was venting about a colleague’s behavior. And it hit me: the very behaviors they were complaining about were ones they had encouraged, supported, or ignored when it suited them.

That realization shifted my approach. I started offering quiet counterpoints to others across the company, trying to provide a fuller picture. But I heard the same refrain over and over: “𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦.”

And here’s the hard part: Most employees genuinely care about their company. They want to see it succeed. They don’t want to rock the boat or seem like they’re pointing fingers. But silence in the face of dysfunction can carry a cost, too.

The problem is, when no one pushes back on false narratives, they harden into truth. They influence performance reviews. They affect team morale. They shape careers.

Even after this manager retired, the impact of that dysfunction remained: like a coffee cup with a permanent stain, no matter how many times it was washed. The stain remained, like the whispers spoken behind closed doors.

I left that organization years ago, but the memory sticks. Not as a grudge, but as a reminder of how easily culture can be undermined from within.

I’m not sharing this to settle old scores. I’m sharing it because I’ve learned how fragile reputations can be. How words, especially when they are not the truth, can shape reality.

These are the questions I still ponder. And I think they matter more than ever.